Daily Archives: February 28, 2009

Ask Colemand: How Not To Be Eaten By A Dead Guy

WARNING: Will eat you in your sleep.

WARNING: Will eat you in your sleep.

Hello.  My name is Colemand.

… and I’m a chronic eater.

I don’t eat normal everyday things all the time though.  You see, unlike you poor, unenlightened people, I’ve managed to do what you think unthinkable: eat humanoids.

Now, see here, not everyone can do this.  Being undead twice over might help, but I’d like to think I’m into “aggressive expansion” of ideas.  I’m an apprentice chef, and a great chef looks for ingredients all over the place.  Even inside your face.

Some people don’t like being eaten.  Okay, that’s fair.  But if you’d all stop making it so easy, then I might actually have a challenge.

So, without further ado,

HOW NOT TO BE EATEN BY A DEAD GUY

1.  Don’t run into one.
Honestly, this is self explanatory.  If you don’t meet a dead guy, you won’t be eaten by one.  Simple as that.

2.  Don’t look delicious.

I know this is hard for some people to do, but try not to seem so delicious.  I remember this one gnome I saw who, despite the plate armor, looked so tasty that I had to try to eat him.  Simple ways of looking un-delicious include demons, smearing yourself in felhound feces, and bathing in tonic water.

As a side note, tonic water is the only un-delicious soda to date.  It’s remarkable!

3.  Commit suicide.
I was in Hellfire Peninsula this one time, and I was capturing the Overlook for the Horde.  An Alliance member was obviously there, as the Overlook simply would not be captured.  I searched for him, and found him.

He was a human male, dressed in bright colours.  His muscles and flank were nicely toned, and he simply looked delectable.  So, I cried out to him, “Paladin! Stop there! I simply must have a piece of you to taste!” The human simply looked at me, incredibly puzzled.

Honestly, I’m not Galertruby or anything! I speak perfect common!

So I chased him, and attempted to grab a piece of his arm to taste.  That’s all I wanted to do.  And you know what he does? He jumps off the cliff! Bam!

He’d rather die than let me have a bite? How rude!

This was after he commited suicide.  I asked him again, and he went to option 4, which led to option 5, which led to 7.

This was after he commited suicide. I asked him again, and he went to option 4, which led to option 5, which led to 7.

True story: Paladins are suicidal.

4.  Run away.
Tried and tested, it’s the most common choice.  Doesn’t work all the time though, especially not against myself.  Death Knights have a spell called Death Grip, useful for catching runaway food, picking apples, and tidying my chambers.

5.  Become one.
Typically, other undead taste fairly bad, and I will not choose to kill one to eat it.  The only time – only time – where I would eat another undead is if there are some mushrooms nearby.  Undead meat and fried mushrooms go well together.  Wait… after that, I could toss them into a pot with some leaks… add some onions… a pinch of sugar… some wine… serve on top of a steak or some pasta…

/sniff
/drool

Scratch that.  Becoming undead doesn’t work.

6.  Be a Warlock.
I apologize to all the warlocks out there; you all taste like crap.  Really, there is nothing, nothing more distasteful than warlocks.  They’re as bitter as 65 orange peels mashed together with banana peels, cabbage, and rotting garbage.  On fire.  In an Undercity sewer pipe.

Covered in grave moss.

Really, warlocks are the worst taste of all time.  Even Gome warlocks taste bad, and Gnomes taste like candy usually!

7.  Log off.
Not much to be said about this, but use only as a last resort.  Otherwise, you might be losing delicious playtime.

Remember, eat your Fel Orcs! It's good for Iron!

Remember, eat your Fel Orcs! It's good for Iron!

That is how to avoid being eaten by a dead guy.  I hope you all take this information to heart.

This kind of fear, by the way, tastes delicious.