Today is a great day, my Horde brethren.
Today, I got a whoop load of revenge that, from an role playing level to a gaming level, was very important for my character.
Today, I went on a raid to get the For The Horde! Achievement.
And guess what, all you Alliance folk…
We got the damn thing. We got the achievement with almost no mishaps, no wipes, and almost no Alliance around to stop us.
I’d like to think we were that fast, but the truth is we waited until you guys were in Wintergrasp and then started running.
We began in Kargath, a Horde settlement in the Badlands just south of Uldaman. It took us roughly 15 minutes to get everyone there. Once we got there, it was time to roll.
… and then when we got to Ironforge, the tank decided it would be funny for me to take on well over 15 guards on my own. I took down 10 before finally dying, but I still got the achievement for killing the king of the dwarves.
After a quick corpse run, we got on the tram to go to Stormwind.
Okay, I have two things to say before we continue. First, the tram is so much cooler than a teleporty thingie that I almost want to roll Alliance for it. Look at it! You’re under the sea! What the heck Blizzard, we got a *poof* thingie that looks like it came from the concentrated efforts of a million Warlocks pooling their own blood to create it, or the crystallized tears of a thousand crying mages. I want to get an undersea Zeppelin or something pronto.
Second, make the tram move faster. Or come more often, because the Alliance must get raged just waiting there. No wonder so many people hate gnomes, they didn’t make enough trams. What’d they do? Go on strike? Get back to work! Back in Silvermoon, we have a group of Leper gnomes that work tirelessly to bring the best quality clothing to the inhabitants of that fair city. What’s your excuse? Your home is gone? Boo hoo! Make more trams.
Next up, Stormwind.
This here throne room is so much cooler than Thrall’s excuse for a hut that I might just quit the Horde. On top of that, the actual city is gorgeous and doesn’t look like it got by the tail end of a dust tornado. It’s clean, it’s got rivers, it has docks built into the city…
Oh what? That’s normal, you say? Our zeppelins are 2 kilometers away from the damn entrance to Orgrimmar. We have to climb up skinny pathways, hoping like hell we don’t fall by accident ’cause that means a missed zeppelin. You Alliance? I jumped off the top of the ramps, and landed neatly next to the boat that goes to Darnassus. 5 seconds, no laughs. Not to mention it’s in the city. By the Light of the Sunwell you have it made, and it makes my blood boil.
Oh, did I mention the music? It too is gorgeous. Orgrimmar? It sounds like a demented child is smashing several drums while yelling through a megaphone by comparison. I hate and envy you all.
Happily, I managed to vent that frustration then and there by killing Varian. Stupid, racist, overgrown, self-righteous, brainless, hopeless, spineless, hair malfunctioning excuse for a king. Your stupid race got me exiled because of people exactly like you. I hope you rot in hell for the 5 minutes it takes to resurrect you.
After my pleasant conversation where I shot Varian in the face until it stopped being funny, we made our way to Darnassus.
I have one thing to say about this.
I’m on a boat!
Warning: This is Vulgar and incredibly funny, but not suited to young ears and work.
Wanna trade? I sure do. What do we say? I’m on a Blimp? C’mon! It just doesn’t work well.
I’m on a blimp, punk
Flying up high and all
What are you doing, man, farming Andorhal?
You all look small, from way up here
It’s to be expected when your end draws near
But you can’t touch me man,
On on a Sunwell loving blimp!
It really just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
We assaulted Darnassus next.
I must say, this place is also gorgeous. Only my home town of Silvermoon quite rivals how this place looks. It’s peaceful.
But we didn’t come here to sight see. We’re in your city, killing your priestess. And kill her we did. Although, I have some questions about her…
Wasn’t she a hunter? She had a great big cat and everything and shot things before. Now? She’s a priest. She re-rolled into the wrong damn class if you ask me. We hunters have got it made. We have pets to tank, guns to shoot with, and our gear just looks awesome. Priests? You look like a terrible blend of holy person and serial killer. On top of this, I’m just not sure of her race choice. Night elf? Honestly (wo)man, it’s like saying “Look at me, I’m really a guy but I love how my toon dances! HEE HEE!”
Lastly, we visited Velen. But before that…
At this point, Dave was entertained. Being level 80, he was finally able to do things that Link would would normally have to do.
This place must be a living embarrassment to all Dranei everywhere.
The Exodar is an example of just how bad the Dranei are at driving. I may have mentioned this before, but the Dranei were terrible enough to crash into a planet. A planet. Do you know how big this planet is? It’s huge. You would have to be blind in order to do crash into a planet. Blind, or their leader.
Prophet my rear. If you really were one, Velen, you would have “foreseen” the planet and avoided crashing. But nope, you went ahead and mutated a whole region of my planet, and decided to call it home. Home. You call this miserable excuse for city a city? It’s a dump! It’s a crashed vehicle! Have you no pride? You didn’t put effort into building it in the first place, as the Naruu helped you. Then you crash, call it home, and then call it a day? Everyone else built a city, why couldn’t you? I mean, look at all of you. Male dranei are nearly as beefy as orcs, and almost as smart as me. Couldn’t you come up with something less like a tomb and more like a town?
Lazy people such as this, by the way, is the reason that the world doesn’t go anywhere. Time for you to eat lead, you overstuffed, lazy, no good, shifty-eyed, goat faced, bruise skinned, pompous, porky, plump, plucky Mrs. Cleo wannabe!
Since the Exodar is always empty, we waited around for a little bit to get the Wrath of the Horde achievement. Wait we did, and eventually, people showed up to defend their already dead leader.
After like, 15 minutes. Great response time, kids. What were you all doing anyway? Trying to sleep? Wintergrasp? Excuses! You failed to defend any of your leaders, we just won. All your base are belong to us. Get the hell out, you’re all evicted. We don’t want that kind of slacking off in our army.
What was really funny was when there was one mage, and the entire raid decsended upon her and killed her much like an ant would be killed by a stampede of 45 sugar high children on their way to a candy shop with their $5 allowance. So what was the mage like afterwards?
Flat, is the answer you’re all trying to grasp. The mage, was flat.
This concluded the night.