Dead Man Telling Tales

And now, your host, COLEMAND!

And now, your host, COLEMAND!

Hello.

I think I’m done with Nagrand.  I think it’s time I moved on to somewhere I’m more needed, because I’m just wasting my time here right now.

From cleaning up… detritus, to burning whole villages.  I also scored some swim time, and boy did I need it.

I think it is best if I try to show you what I mean.

You have got to be kidding me.

You have got to be kidding me.

First, my volunteer work.  You see this? This, friends, is called shit.  It is the biological bi-product of animals when they excrete waste.

This is the second gods be damned time I have had to root through piles upon piles of shit in order to get a measly reward.  The first time, I got a helmet which didn’t even fit my head, and I rooted through felhound feces.  This time, I rooted through talbuk tootsies and got myself some berries… that I can eat to breathe underwater.

I am already dead, I don’t need to breathe.  Why on earth are these people so stupid?  My theory is that they spend too much time up to their haunches in hoopers and go boopers from the smell.

I really, REALLY needed this.

I really, REALLY needed this.

The Mag’har forbade me from swimming in the lake nude.  Well, I hate to break it to you, but the undead need to wash every once in awhile too.

Do you see the black stuff floating around my body? That’s exactly how much I needed to bathe.  I blame the Mag’Har.

Warning: doesn't work as intended EVER.

Warning: doesn't work as intended EVER.

I met a goblin just south of the Nagrand Arena.  He wanted me to collect some Air elemental Gas, and so I did.

He then gave me a key, said to use it on the Jumpotron 4000, and get to the eggs in a nearby tree.  Well, I looked at this “jumpotron” and I have one question:

Why in the nine hells does this rag need a key to work?! It’s a very, very crappy trampoline enchanted with gas.  Heck, it wasn’t the fact that it was bouncy, but this glorified trampoline ran on gaseous excretions created by elementals in the area.

By the way, collecting farts is not something I make a habit of.  I still have a sense of smell.

So, I decided to give the ragjump a try.

After 2 hours of being Charlie Browned...

After 2 hours of being Charlie Browned...

... I told the goblin to jump off a cliff.  Or two.  Just to make sure.

... I told the goblin to jump off a cliff. Or two. Just to make sure.

I was fairly angry at this point, when I remembered that I was tasked with the destruction of a “broken” village nearby.

Oh, and destroy things I did.

They certainly flew fartehr when I smacked them.

They certainly flew farther when I smacked them.

Not pictured here: Running, fleeing, screaming villagers.

Not pictured here: Running, fleeing, screaming villagers.

See the guy in the back? He knew what was coming.

Before leaving though, I decided that cooking on my own just isn’t working.  I need a sous-chef.  So, who would possibly want to work for me?

At least he's convenient.

At least he's convenient.

Ghouls can take simple instructions, so I decided to have a more permanent resident on board.  As far as a cooking aid, they know how to chew, bite, smash, tenderize, chop, cut, squish, paste, mash, and they occasionally stir.

Sometimes.

So yes, I’ve had it with Nagrand.  I’m now in debt from having to repay and rebuild a new village, I’m covered in fecal matter, and my bones are bent in ways which they should not be able to.

To top it all off, while I’m here swatting flies and playing “Broken Golf”, Klinderas has been saving the world.

Apparently, he didn't cry.  Don't believe it.

Apparently, he didn't cry. Don't believe it.

Most.  Confusing.  Photo.  Ever.

Klinderas gets to meet the Dragon Queen, I get to look for "berries". Fair? I think not.

When next we meet, I’ll be doing my rounds in someplace called “the Netherstorm” or something.

Either way, so long as I don’t have to touch anymore shit, I’ll be as happy as can be.

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6 comments

  1. I kept those berries in my bags for the longest time – I used them all of twice, to my own horror. I knew where those berries came from!

  2. Yay, more Cole! Roz still has his berries. Juna tossed hers out once she got that Kalu’ak Fishing Pole.

    Yes, he actually server transferred with his berries…as well as his Really Sticky Glue and his Slightly Glowing Skull. What? he might need them someday :p

  3. I never could bring myself to eat those berries… they were never ever clean enough.

    I have often wondered why a key was needed for the trampoline too… and poor Sideshow, he had the hardest time with landing in the nest. I don’t know if I just found the sweet spot or what, but I just about always make it. (I know I’ve missed, by my nest landings outweight the misses).

    Oh! And I know I should have commented on the post about focus, but I’m doing it all right now 😛 I don’t think you’ve lost your focus too much. Write what you enjoy cuz I enjoy what you write. *nodnod*

    But don’t forget the gryphon impression in the next podcast! /demand.

    😉

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