Ask Colemand: Twitter Edition 1

And now, your host... Colemand!

And now, your host... Colemand!

Hello.

Many people have been wondering what I’ve been up too, in addition to the many questions I’ve been getting.  It seems like you all care for me in some stupid, sputtery kind of way.

Okay, I’m sorry for lying.  No one has asked how I’m doing.  Or what’s up.  No one has even asked how are the imaginary wife and kids! I’m beginning to think that no one values the opinion of a dead, old, sarcastic, snarky, annoyed, badgering, weathered, more than weathered, and did I mention annoyed? dead guy.

In other words, no one wants to ask a dead guy anything.  Well you know what? I am going to try to force all of you to do it.  See, if you don’t email me at slowwolfblog(AT)gmail(DOT)com, putting ASK COLEMAND in the subject line, then I will demand everyone who follows me on Twitter to ask me questions.

Here goes our first trial of the Ask Colemand: Twitter Edition!

Colemand, how can you tank? You’re bones! How do you manage to stay together during fights?

Ah? So you’ve heard I’m now a “tank”, which is slang for “pinata for piss heads”.

For one, my bones aren’t actually that brittle.  See, I drink milk.  Loads of it, every day.  It’s good for you, thanks to all the calcium in it! Plus, it tastes delicious, especially when cold.  Which isn’t hard to do, seeing as I have a mastery of cold.

Calcium alone doesn’t cut it though.  You need to have a great deal of armor, thick armor, armor that knows how to be beat on.  If you don’t have good armor, you’re paste.

Lastly, you could always accept the first and most respected tenet of the Pirate Code; make strategic withdrawals.

How’s Mikey, your pet cockroach? I haven’t heard about him in awhile.

Mikey’s good.  He’s a lot bigger, and I’ve taught him to sleep somewhere else other than my stomach!

He is also eating a lot more.  His diet now include: berries, plants, fruit, small woodland animals, large woodland animals, gnomes, humans, night elves, fruit trees, fruit farmers, orchards, buildings, and small cities.

With restraint, of course.  He shouldn’t eat too much, or his itty bitty stomach would start to have a tummy ache.

Isn’t that right, Mikey?

*clickety*

He’s adorable isn’t he?

Why do you love cooking so much?

Good thing you didn’t ask where it came from.  That’s a long bloody story.

I love cooking for two reasons: first, I have a gift.  I am undead, yet I have a perfect nose and a pristine tongue.  That can only mean that I must use these gifts, or it’s a perfectly good waste of my talents, wouldn’t you say?

Second, why wouldn’t I? You all look so delicious, I simply have to try.

Yes, even you there pink skin.  Sitting right there, staring at me.  Who do you think you are?

You’re so tasty
Looking baby
I have to simply give it a try

I look at you
thinking that you
would go well with butter and rye

Oooh, you’re a meal to me
I mean so real to me
I think that you and I should
go out and I should
Get cooking, Um, hooking up with you
Sometime.


You’re face, so tender,
You’re hands, so slender
You’d look really tasty stir-fried

You might as well be
A gorgeous pastry
Topped off with a bit of parsley

Oooh, you’re a meal to me
I mean so real to me
I think that you and I should
go out and I should
Get cooking, Um, hooking up with you
Sometime.

You better believe you're cookable, baby.

You better believe you're cookable, umm, lovable baby!

What do you think? Made that up myself.  I think I could be a star.

That concludes this edition of Ask Colemand.  If more than one person could please ask questions next time, I’d be much appreciative.

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. I’m glad that the questions were satisfactory enough to be used in the post.

    Although I do hope that next time more people will participate – Colemand might get the idea that the tweeps are avoiding him!

Comments are closed.