Ask Colemand: Twitter Edition 1

And now, your host... Colemand!

Hello.

Many people have been wondering what I’ve been up too, in addition to the many questions I’ve been getting.  It seems like you all care for me in some stupid, sputtery kind of way.

…

Okay, I’m sorry for lying.  No one has asked how I’m doing.  Or what’s up.  No one has even asked how are the imaginary wife and kids! I’m beginning to think that no one values the opinion of a dead, old, sarcastic, snarky, annoyed, badgering, weathered, more than weathered, and did I mention annoyed? dead guy.

In other words, no one wants to ask a dead guy anything.  Well you know what? I am going to try to force all of you to do it.  See, if you don’t email me at slowwolfblog(AT)gmail(DOT)com, putting ASK COLEMAND in the subject line, then I will demand everyone who follows me on Twitter to ask me questions.

Here goes our first trial of the Ask Colemand: Twitter Edition!

Colemand, how can you tank? You’re bones! How do you manage to stay together during fights?

Ah? So you’ve heard I’m now a “tank”, which is slang for “pinata for piss heads”.

For one, my bones aren’t actually that brittle.  See, I drink milk.  Loads of it, every day.  It’s good for you, thanks to all the calcium in it! Plus, it tastes delicious, especially when cold.  Which isn’t hard to do, seeing as I have a mastery of cold.

Calcium alone doesn’t cut it though.  You need to have a great deal of armor, thick armor, armor that knows how to be beat on.  If you don’t have good armor, you’re paste.

Lastly, you could always accept the first and most respected tenet of the Pirate Code; make strategic withdrawals.

How’s Mikey, your pet cockroach? I haven’t heard about him in awhile.

Mikey’s good.  He’s a lot bigger, and I’ve taught him to sleep somewhere else other than my stomach!

He is also eating a lot more.  His diet now include: berries, plants, fruit, small woodland animals, large woodland animals, gnomes, humans, night elves, fruit trees, fruit farmers, orchards, buildings, and small cities.

With restraint, of course.  He shouldn’t eat too much, or his itty bitty stomach would start to have a tummy ache.

Isn’t that right, Mikey?

*clickety*

He’s adorable isn’t he?

Why do you love cooking so much?

Good thing you didn’t ask where it came from.  That’s a long bloody story.

I love cooking for two reasons: first, I have a gift.  I am undead, yet I have a perfect nose and a pristine tongue.  That can only mean that I must use these gifts, or it’s a perfectly good waste of my talents, wouldn’t you say?

Second, why wouldn’t I? You all look so delicious, I simply have to try.

Yes, even you there pink skin.  Sitting right there, staring at me.  Who do you think you are?

You’re so tasty
Looking baby
I have to simply give it a try

I look at you
thinking that you
would go well with butter and rye

Oooh, you’re a meal to me
I mean so real to me
I think that you and I should
go out and I should
Get cooking, Um, hooking up with you
Sometime.

You’re face, so tender,
You’re hands, so slender
You’d look really tasty stir-fried

You might as well be
A gorgeous pastry
Topped off with a bit of parsley

Oooh, you’re a meal to me
I mean so real to me
I think that you and I should
go out and I should
Get cooking, Um, hooking up with you
Sometime.

You better believe you're cookable, umm, lovable baby!

What do you think? Made that up myself.  I think I could be a star.

That concludes this edition of Ask Colemand.  If more than one person could please ask questions next time, I’d be much appreciative.

Creature Feature: Gorilla

He's preparing a knuckle sandwich!

Gorillas are one of the most well known and now least understood pets in the game.  They were before their time, having had the ability to use AoE threat; however, it was limited in size and scope due to the 1 minute cooldown on thunderstomp and the lack of additional threat.

When the Echoes of Doom patch came out, Gorillas were at the forefront.  Having overtaken and unseated the previous tanking kings(boars!) they now stood high and proud with their 10 second cooldown thunderstomp.  AoE tanking and the Gorilladin were born.

Gorillas may not be as used anymore, but they are still a force to be reckoned with.  When you have the power to smash your way through any problem, there’s no need for a plan other than tank and spank!

GENERAL STATS
Gorillas are a tenacity pet beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Their thick arms and corded muscle are more than strong enough to withstand the blows of anything in its way.  They are more than capable of tanking a 5 man instance(among other things!) but only if the gorilla is talented properly.  As of patch 3.1, pets of all kinds share the same 5% bonus to all stats, and an incorrectly talented tenacity pet is more than capable of being outanked by a ferocity pet.

The focus dump skill for Gorillas is Smack, and their special move is Pummel.

Gorillas in WoW have 7 different skins, 5 of which are tamable.  Although not as sizable a list as say, cats, gorillas still have some variety in terms of which ones you can get; so long as you don’t mind how they are built.  All gorillas share the same physical build, so if you think that gorillas are too broad/big/furry/silly, then you’re out of luck.

Gorillas are a very peaceful animal, and their diet reflects this.  They don’t eat meat or anything like that, but they will eat fruit, bread, and fungus without a fuss.  Of course, this means they like bananas.

Gorillas are the figurehead of AoE tanking, and are the closest you can get to taming a humanoid.  In fact, I never skin gorillas as I find they are too close to being human for my tastes.

Gorillas in real life are a passive species which only attack if aggravated or if they feel threatened.  They live in colonies with one Alpha male called a Silverback; they are called this due to the colour of their fur changing from black to a whitish grey.  It is still recommended to not get too close to one since they have the strength to snap grown men in half.

Gorillas are tamable by all hunters.

ABILITIES
Pummel: bonks the target on the head, causing them to lose concentration and lose the spell.  They can’t remember how to cast from that school of spells for a couple of seconds afterwards.

The facts are these: pummel interupts the spell being cast, pummel stops the target from using spells of that kind for 2 seconds, pummel does no damage, and pummel is on a moderate cooldown.

Happily, there’s no math for this ability other than being able to count to two, because two is the number of seconds that pummel affects the target.  Not being able to do damage should be the most bothersome thing about this ability, as the rest is all good news.

Pummel is particularly effective against healers or in PvE encounters where interupts are crucial(Which are few and far between).  When used on a healer casting a healing spell, it will interupt the spell being cast; since the majority or classes use one school of magic for their healing spells, pummel effectively stops healers from healing themselves for another 2 seconds which give you more than enough time to slaughter them.  If your opponent is casting a crucial spell like Haunt or Cyclone, Pummel effectively stops that as well.  The uses of pummel are many, and a creative mind can come up with any number of uses for it.

The thing is that you can’t use pummel on everything, because that’s the rogue’s job.  You have to use pummel at the most opportune time in order for it to be effective, rather than using it all over the place.  If you interupt a Shaman casting Lava Burst only to have your kill foiled by a Healing Wave, you have no one to blame but yourself for your charred corpse.

What I mean is that Pummel is on a 30 second cooldown period.  If you use it on a Hunter’s steady shot, then you have to wait another 30 seconds(or 21 if you’re a beastmaster!) before you can use it again, and I can guarantee that you’re going to need again during that period of time.

Happily, the cooldown isn’t as restricting as some other pet abilities you can find around the area, and you can use Pummel on whatever you find is necessary(keyword being necessary!) in order to win.  If you use it on an affliction warlock casting Immolate, that’s wrong.  If you use it on an affliction warlock casting Haunt, you’re doing it right.  If you’re using it on a paladin casting any heal, you’re doing it right.  If you’re using it when he’s… I don’t know, casting his hearthstone, that’s probably wrong, btu still funny.

Unfortunately for PvE, the lack of damage on this ability, the lack of interrupts needed from you, and the semi-restrictive cooldown make this ability suck for Heroics and raids.  Most big spells can’t be interrupted anyway.

This is a PvP ability, all the way.  This thing oozes of PvP utility and reeks of PvE uselessness just because of the lack of times to be able to use it.

ENVIRONMENT
Gorillas are durable and tough creatures, while still being quick, agile, and intelligent enough to outwit and destroy some of the “upper” races of Azeroth.

Gorillas are, like all tenacity pets, very good for soloing.  Thanks to a baseline Thunderstomp, Gorillas can easily hold aggro on 5-6 equal level monsters for as long as it takes to kill them all.  In addition to their thick armor and high HP, gorillas have access to a variety of talents designed to make them more durable and more easily kept alive.  This allows intelligent hunters to Solo most monsters in the world, with very few exceptions.  In addition, Pummel allows a smart hunter to utterly destroy some world monsters that rely on their spells to destroy players.

Gorillas also enjoy battling in battlegrounds, where their strengths are made very apparent.  Their durable exterior allows them to survive when most pets wouldn’t, and they can still dish out a pretty decent amount of damage.  In addition, they have access to many very useful PvP abilities which help reduce incoming damage to the hunter.  Lastly, Pummel allows a skileld hunter to stop healers from healing important people in a fight, which can lead to a victory instead of a loss in a clutch match.

Arenas are the same story, but with smaller, more important numbers.  One interupted heal can be the end of a healer, and a win for your team.  Although they don’t have the ability to hold people in place or slow them down, and interupt is just as, if not more important than those types of abilities as it can mean the end for your kill target, and a much easier match.

KLINDERAS’ THOUGHTS
Gorillas are like Orcs: big, brutish, but useful.

I have recently had the joy of working with a Gorilla while on my search for a Spirit Beast, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it.  He can destroy monsters I would otherwise have trouble with, and when an Alliance member comes to kill me, the Gorilla does a very good job of not only keeping me alive, but keeping my opponents out cold.

They’re also incredibly gentle.  The Gorilla I have been working with has a particular fondness for finding and playing with flowers.  He also frequently picks them for me, presenting them to em with a big goofy grin.

His rage, however, speaks volumes of what he truly is.  He has smashed apart and entire ridge of Undead without a moments notice, only to exit unscathed.  It’s a wonder that the Scourge haven’t already been defeated when there are animals like this in the world.

COLEMAND’S THOUGHTS
This is how it’s done.

Colemand Has A Few Words

And now, your host, COLEMAND!

Hello.

In response to Klinderas’ overwhelming, music induced crying, I decided it was finally time to break it to him.

Klinderas, you are a total wuss.

Thank you.

It is pretty, though.

In any case, I have been asked some questions in my recent travels.  I was traveling north from Nagrand, and I came across a few people, and they asked me the following.

Why are you leaving us when there are so many things left to do?
Unfortunately, stalwart protectors of Nagrand, your quests are trivial and no longer satisfy my need for experience.  At this point, slaying the massive army of Ogres that pose impending doom to your town is not in my best interest, as it’s really way too easy.

Sorry.

Why is Garrosh so mopey?
It’s all Klin’s fault.  Apparently, Klinderas had a dancing competition against him and won.  This has left Garrosh bitter and self-loathing.

When I came to Nagrand, he immediately burst into tears, and ran to his hut saying something about “Not again! Not the gyrating hips!”

Either way, I really don’t want to know.

Do you know the pied piper?
…

Go away.

How do Ethereals taste?
Now, this is tricky.  When ethereals die, they go poof.  Poof means that they don’t have flesh, and it’s really hard to “eat” an ethereal.

However, they do leave a fine powder coating on the inside on their armor.  You can scrape off the coating, and use it as a condiment.  It’s pretty much pure arcane energy, so it tastes electric and sweet at the same time.

Apply on warlocks liberally.  With prejudice.

Until next time everyone, enjoy your lives.  Not that they really matter if you know the right people.

Ask Colemand: Music Edition

And now, your host, COLEMAND!

Hello.

It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I bet you all grew a bit, and smell different too.

Me? Oh no, I’m dead.  The only that changes for me nowadays is the consistent lack of proper exercise.  I’ve been enjoying Nagrand quite a bit, and I really don’t want to leave.  The Mag’Har are kind enough to pay me not to swim, and there’s an infinite supply of Talbuk to eat despite Hemmet’s best efforts.  This is a bloody paradise.

Bloody.  Heh.  I’m good.

In any case, I was sitting back, enjoying the nether UV rays when I heard music.  I turned to look at what it was, and it was a concert, here in Nagrand! I decided to listen to it, and instead of being entertained, I grew exasperated.

I had no clue that musicians were either so incredibly stupid, or didn’t know anything.  All their songs talk about are love(which is dumb to sing about anyway), why does _______(insert something here) happen, or about this gods-be-damned world.

More often than not, it’s about this love thing, and I have no clue why.  It’s an emotion that is “hard to place” you say? Nonsense.  Love is a simple means of finding someone who, like yourself, can’t think straight.  You can’t sing about love because it’s fluid, undefined, and not a physical thing.  To try to give shape to something without shape is meaningless; however, you can compose music that shows love.  Specific loves, mind you, but loves nonetheless.

In any case, these dolts decided to ask me their questions through music.

How do I breathe without you?
Now, this is very important, and we’re going to have to work fast.  But stay calm! Stop trying and failing to hyperventilate! I said stop! HEY! Stop breathing so hard for one minute, and I’ll explain it to you damnit! I said… aw hell, she passed out.  She’s obviously new to this game.

Next!

Have you heard of a secret chord?
Nope.  There’s no such thing.  Every chord playable to the western ear is documented and known by any professional musician.  The trick is not in coming up with new chords, it is in arranging them properly.

Properly, however, is a little vague.

I’m back! Do you still love me?
Let me explain something to you, “friend”.

First I was afraid, I was petrified.  Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.  But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong… I learned how to carry on!

And so you’re back.  From outer space.  I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face! I should have changed my stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, If I had known for just one second you’d be back to bother me!

Go on now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now… ’cause you’re not welcome anymore.  Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye, you think I’d crumble… you think I’d lay down and die!

Oh no, not I! I will survive! As long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive. I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my love to give… and I’ll survive.  I will survive!!

Hey HEY!

/boogy

Until next time, everyone, keep up the music!

We Almost Wrote A Big Post

So close!

…but it was not meant to be!

The plans where all set, the goons in place, and the smallest detail was taken care of.  The Under the Gun post I had written was so close to being half-way finished that the things could practically finish itself.

Actually, that’s almost all crazy-talk.  A self-written post? Pshah! Puh-lease! What kind of silly, easy-going, fantasy-based world do you think we live in? It’s not like it takes 15 seconds to build a helicopter, let alone write a whole post!

But we do have a few things of note today.  The first being: I hit level 80! I’m already hit-capped, I’ve managed to score some sweet gear, my Engineering is getting maxed out today, and I am back in a guild with the same people as before.  Here’s a shout out to everyone in Defiance!

Bonus: I’m the only hunter in the guild.  All your loots are belong to me!

Secondly, I’ve been running heroics like crazy.  A lot of the dungeons I’ve been running are dungeons I haven’t seen while leveling.  Some were completely new to me, as I had neglected to read about the bosses.  So, here’s a shout out for all the dungeons: Gundrak, learn to feed your damn piranhas so they don’t eat the bejebus out of me instead.  Utgarde Pinnacle: You know that guy you hired? Skadi the Ruthless? Last I checked, Skadi was a woman’s name.  I bet that s/he’s hiding from the cops or something.  You should really see about firing him… her… so that it doesn’t kill my pug.  Violet Hold: you are perfect.  You are small, but fast, fun, and always a little different.  You are my favourite dungeon yet, and I wish I could run this heroic more than once a day.  Halls of Lightning: your music slays me.  Not only that, but the entire instance looks amazing, has a neat event gauntlet(wherein our tank learned the meaning of “pull back here“) and it’s like a mini Ulduar; but there’s one itty-bitty problem, and I’m sure you get this one alot.

Loken is a JERK.  He thinks he’s Electro or something, but all he really does all day while waiting for raiders all day is shuffle his feet on carpet flooring until he can smell ozone.  Happily, pets aren’t affected by his abilities, so at least I can keep wailing on him.  But you are a total wad, Loken, and you should be fired.  Lots.  In the face.

Speaking of Halls of Lightning and Loken the Jerk, something entirely surprising and flattering happened during my run of the place.

Connected and myself talked for a little while after this, but what came up to be the big topic was blogging.  Specifically, he had a blog before and wanted to give it another try! He asked for help on naming the blog, and among some of the more risque titles(Fatty Orc Muscle, for instance) he came up with a great title: Death by Healer.  He plays a resto Shaman and a Death Knight, and his blog is so new it doesn’t even have a proper first post yet! Connected, I’ll be sure to write a post when it’s up and running.

Oh, and Colemand’s got something to say:

Hello.  I can see that you don’t know how to ask me a question.

Well, it’s simple.  Just take any question you might have ever had and see what I say about it.  For example: How do birds fly? Why is the sky blue? How many woodchucks does it take to become a real Chuck? Any of these types of questions are appropriate.  Also, if you have any question about Death Knights, cooking, and just how shit works, then that is also appropriate.

Here’s an example: why are warlocks evil? Simple answer: they work with demons and use Fel magic to augment their power, which taints their souls and augments an already considerable ambition to epic proportions.  Not to mention their ego.

The real answer: they’re incredibly bitter because they were the people in the corner of the room at a party, the kind of person who’s there but hates it, and thinks it lacks morality and taste.  I’ll agree that some parties are morally decrepit, but it is you who seems to lack taste my friends.  Go eat some grains or something, play in the sun, eat grass, I don’t care.  But you’re all bitter, and it’s really gross.

Back to you, elf.

…*ahem* Thank you Colemand.  I’m sure all the warlock in the audience will make a point of camping our corpse now.

That’s all for now, but know this: I’ve been running tests, Naxx is going to happen sometime, and PvP is starting as well.

/treadmill

Ask Colemand: How Do Trolls Taste?

And now, your host, COLEMAND!

Ah, hello.

It has been some time since Klinderas has seen fit to grant me a chance at an audience.

So, I threatened to cut his hair.  That got him to allow me to talk with you again.

You also haven’t been asking a lot of questions, but people have submitted a few nonetheless.  To those people, I thank you.  Answering questions is a great way to pass the time, and I have a hell of a lot of time to kill.

Unfortunately, I can’t eat dead time.  I wonder how that would taste.

/ponder

But that’s a bit too philisophical for my tastes.  Heh.  Tastes.  I’m witty.

Why do you like swimming?
Swimming is something I’ve begun to enjoy only recently, I’m afraid.  When I discovered that I didn’t need air anymore, I tried to stay underwater for as long as possible.  It’s actually very pretty to see a lake from the inside.

I like being able to swim because is gives me the ability to fly… within limits, I concede, but fly nonetheless.

Another great plus is the look on your face when I jump out, before I kill you and eat the remains.

/cackle

Are you cold?
I don’t really know, I couldn’t feel my own temperature even if I had a mortal coil.  However, I think I might be a bit cold.

Seeing as I don’t normally touch living things, there really aren’t any third parties who would know either.

…

I could use a blanket though.

How do Trolls taste?
Depends on the troll.  The kinds I have tasted have been green and blue.  The green ones taste like mold and mushrooms, actually.  I kind of expected them to taste like salad, but they don’t.

Blue trolls don’t taste much different than the green ones, but they lack the moldy taste.  I prefer blue ones, as they are always pretty tender.

The other thing about troll meat is that it’s like bread: it expands in your stomach.  Because of trollish regenerative properties, a missing limb or something can grow to be a miniature slug or something.  Particularly powerful trolls have been known to regrow their limbs, and the old limb becomes a mini-troll.  They’re usually eaten, though.

Oh, and forums trolls! Almost forgot about them.

Forum trolls taste like anguish, if that makes any sense.  Goes well with water, of all things.  Salty, salty water.  Something akin to tears, I would guess.  Combining the two tastes like popcorn, of all things.

I’ve had the most experience with forum trolls, overall.  Why do you think this website is devoid of trolls so far?

/cackle

That’s all for today.  If you have any questions for the Colemand, drop them off in the slowwolfblogATyahooDOTca mailbox.  Klinderas, Cluro, and I all really like to answer questions.

Remember everyone! A good chef keeps their outfit clean and their hands washed! Keep those elbows in, or you’ll knock someone over.  If that happens, fight the urge to eat them.  I’ve lost at least 3 sous-chefs in this way.  They’re not easy to replace, either.

Ask Colemand: Bunny, Your Flavour Hurts Me

And now, your host, COLEMAND!

Ah, welcome to my lair.

Cliched? Maybe.  Worth it? Absolutely.

In any case, welcome back to the Ask Colemand show! I am your host, Colemand, and I will be taking questions asked to me by you! I got these questions through e-mail, comments, twitter, and from my search terms.  We only have time for three today, so let’s get started.

From Sarai, via comments: Colemand, my undead warlock would like to know if you have any gnome recipes to share. He’s still looking for the perfect way to cook them.
Well Sarai, thanks for asking.  Your warlock friend will be pleased to note that yes, I have invented quite a few recipes.  My favourite is still Gnome Magepie, but I have already said how to cook it.  So, I will do another favourite of mine: Gnome-side Sweet ribs.

First, you take a gnomes ribs.  When you have them, let them thaw if they were frozen.  If not, put them in a clay-bake, which is a semi-large container made of clay.  You’re going to put in soda, preferably the one made by the guy named Coca, but Pepsi’s works too.  It’s just more syrupy, which I don’t need.

So, you put the ribs in a clay-bake full of soda, add veggies like squash, carrots, leaks, onions, or anything else you want baked with the ribs.  Put this in an oven at around 250 degrees for about 3 hours.  Once it’s cooked, serve on a plate with the veggies, alongside rice.  Add barbecue sauce.  The taste should be delicious.

Which brings me to my next question.

Via Search Engine Term: Bunny, your flavour hurts me.
Well, that’s odd.  Like gnomes, bunnies are delicious tasting in every way, when cooked properly.  They’re small and full of energy, granting them a sweet, but dark taste due to them living in the wilds.

You can cook Bunny ribs the same way I cook gnome ribs, or you can try to do the same with an entire rabbit! There isn’t a lot of meat though… I normally just cook gnomes.

Unless there’s a Gnome sized bunny.  Like this one.

Via Search Engine Term: Klinderas University?
Well, he wishes.  He’d be filthy rich.  I’d be able to mooch off of him, or teach the cooking program.  But him being a dean?

That’s a scary thought people.  Lets not go there.

Besides, what would he teach? How to be “fabulous?” Lets face it, his definition fo fabulous is being him.  I think one Klinderas is enough.  I think one wolf is enough to be honest, those things are a menace.  Cost and arm and a leg too, literally…

Okay, we have some extra time.  I’ll answer one more question.

Apatuaq, via Twitter: How do you get rid of a human warrior?
Well, this is simple really, although it depends on what race you are.  If you’re Forsaken, I suggest that only an expert cook attempt to eat this human warrior.  They are tough, and stringy.  But like a good steak, when cooked properly, it should be fine.  The best meat is in the rump.

For everyone else too chicken to try eating humans, there is something else that will work.  Kill the bastard, and notify me right away.  I’ll be happy to make him… disappear.

Lastly, you could try speaking l33t to him.  Talking l33t immediately alienates you form everyone, and should get anyone to stop following you.  If you don’t know how to, I suggest talking like you did when you were new to the World.  Misspell everything, and speak with a total lack of grammar.  Once you know how to do this, it’s much like riding a bike.  You will never forget how to speak it.  EVER.

/wave

Well, that’s all the time we have today.  Thank you for coming, and don’t forget to ask questions! It’s how we learn.